This Is Why Ghosting Hurts So Much
In the Broadway hit “If/Then”, legendary actress Idina Menzel sings a song called “Always Starting Over.”
There are lyrics that read “I knew you, I loved you, let that be all that I need.”
You’ve been hitting the Google and YouTube nonstop looking for answers. Maybe you found some Reddit groups talking about this topic.
I don’t need to go into too much detail about what ghosting actually is, but for those who need an answer, ghosting is:
‘the ending of a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.’
Typically, ghosting occurs when one person in a relationship literally disappears, stops replying, withdraws communication, and of course, denies the other party any semblance of closure.
The ghostee is left to pick up the pieces while dealing with overwhelming feelings of uncertainty, abandonment, self-blame, and confusion — to name a few.
It can reinforce deeply entrenched core beliefs and it can open core wounds.
Ghosting is the ultimate display of selfishness, cowardice, and emotional immaturity. The one who ghosts is dealing with their own feelings, emotions, and triggers and it is those feelings of their own that are a priority.
“For many people, ghosting can result in feelings of being disrespected, used, and disposable. If you have known the person beyond more than a few dates then it can be even more traumatic. When someone we love and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.”
-Psychology Today
Why does it hurt so much?
The head says, “this person clearly isn’t right for me. I would never want to be with someone who is so disrespectful.”
The heart chimes in, “yeah, but we really liked them. What did we do wrong? What did we do to deserve this? Did they meet someone else? Are they troubled? Are they safe? We had plans! Was it even real? Did I make up this entire relationship?”
The pain is very real. You are not crazy.
When you are ignored, shunned, silenced, or any variation of shutout from a social connection, it activates that same spot in the brain known as the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and ventral prefrontal cortex.
Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain.
There is nothing wrong with you, you are simply (not so simply) in pain.
It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience.
Emotionally processing an experience allows for healing and moving forward. When you’re ghosted, you are denied that experience.
Ghosting silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.
Ghosting hurts so deeply because it is a form of emotional control and abuse. Your brain has been hijacked first by a romantic connection and then by the removal of it.
In your search about ghosting, you are most likely looking for ways to cope and how to move forward.
You just want the pain to go away and you JUST WANT ANSWERS, right? Right.
You’re not going to get answers. In fact, if you reach out to the ghoster, you will most likely get more questions than the answers you’re looking for.
It’s not about you (even if it feels like it is)
Every article you read will tell you this is not about you at all. It is not about your worth, your value, or how you are as a partner.
The person you thought you knew (or were getting to know) is not real. You were there. You know what you experienced. You didn’t make it up. But still, it wasn’t real.
Plainly put, the relationship you thought you were in is not the same relationship they were in.
They showed you who they wanted you to see, not who they really are.
Perhaps they started with the “slow fade.” The slow fade is a major red flag that a ghosting is about to happen. The ghoster is setting themself up to detach, creating distance between you.
You may not recognize it, or you may justify it according to what they say. It sounds like “I’m so unbelievably busy” but it feels like you’re being ignored.
Trust your intuition and be mindful of patterns. You might not have seen it, but that’s okay. All relationships are lessons.
No one is as busy as the person who is not interested.
The pain from ghosting is so real and it doesn’t matter the duration of the relationship.
Pain is pain, whether it was a few weeks, few months, or years.
For someone to devalue you the point of discarding you in such an abrupt way means that you most likely held this person in a much higher regard than they held you.
You may even try to justify or excuse their behavior, remembering their troubled past or their history of being abused.
You are not responsible for the emotions or behaviors of grown adults.
You may even want to excuse the ghosting, just so that you can have some closure.
This is where you will learn the power of giving yourself closure. If you remember only one thing from this article, let it be this:
The person who hurt you cannot heal you.
SUMMARY:
- You still deserve the respect of a conversation — especially if you were intimate with this person.
Even if you were not the best match for this person, even if you made your mistakes, you still deserve basic human decency. A ghoster is someone who willfully ignores another human being for their own reasons.
Outside of safety reasons such as domestic violence, there is no justification for ghosting, ever.
Sadly, this world is normalizing it and there is nothing normal about it.
- There is nothing wrong with you.
You were left on delivered. You were ignored. You were silenced. Your mind is probably in a phase of doing it’s job to make sense of a problem and that can give way to rumination.
- The minute you know you’ve been ghosted, cease all contact.
Pay attention to your thoughts at this time, and do not not hyperfocus on what could be their reasons why. Their reasons do not matter. You need to heal.
- Do not respond to their breadcrumbs.
Unless they do a complete 180 and show a demonstrated change in their behavior over an extended period of time, breadcrumbs are only dropped to see if you’re still on the hook.
- Focus on yourself.
Most likely, you’re replaying the relationship in your mind. Self-care is extremely necessary right now. You need emotional first aid. Do not battle this alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
- This does not define you. This does not define your future relationships.
- The person who hurt you cannot heal you.
Seek professional help to process these very real, very strong emotions you are feeling.
Soon enough, you’ll get to the point where you’ll echo the words of the song mentioned in the beginning:
